Over Sharing

A friend of mine writes an intensively personal blog and I'm always amazed at how much he's willing to share over the internet. After all, anyone can read it. It seems so vulnerable to me, the sharing of personal stories and sometimes he writes gut wrenching bits that wow me. You can check it out. His name is j.beaman.

On the subject of "over sharing," J. talks about how the sharing of personal baggage actually makes it liveable. It made me think of certain post-structural theorist who say the same thing. In Excitable Speech, Judith Butler attacks the sticky issue of hate speech and how it's complicated by power (BTW, this is probably her most "readable" work. You don't actually have to have a background in post-structural theory to understand what the f*ck she's talking about). Gayatri Spivak also discusses it a lot in relationship to post-colonialism (I've never read anything by Spivak that was easy, but that's just me). Essentially, they posit that speech does carry with it a lot power, but through use and intelligently dissecting words and language, it's possible to either re-appropriate or to untangle the words from their power source. For example, the term "Black" has been reclaimed by the African American community to reflect their history and even show a connection towards a global identity. In the U.S., it's no longer a pejorative (or politcally incorrect) to use the term "black" when referring to a person of African descent. This is actually one of the foundations of post-structualism, but I digress.

What I really wanted to say was that I think for many of us, this happens naturally. We share stories that hurt us a little with people around us (someone was rude, your boss gave you a hard time, etc.) and it makes us feel a little better. We generally hug bigger secrets to ourselves because it leaves a big gapping hole in our chest to pull it out. We share these things only with the "inner circle" because it seems safer. They are less likely to turn it against us or are more likely to recognize the significance that these stories had in our lives, changing us profoundly. And in sharing, I suppose it actually makes the wound a little more manageable. I believe that talking can be a method of healing.

As I've gotten older, I've definitely gotten better at telling people about how my 16 year old boyfriend beat the crap out of me. I've done my work though, I've written countless journal entries, I've performed about it in theatre classes, I have an undergraduate degree in Women's Studies. But there is nothing like the look on people faces when I tell them about the time he grabbed me by the hair and slammed my face into the armrest between us in his car. And I would be less than honest if I didn't recognize that there's something narcissistic about the shock value. This is where the problem of "over sharing" comes in. You open the door and things aren't always pretty on the other side.

There's a certain amount of deserved attention when personal tragedies come out. But it's complicated, this business of sharing. You don't necessarily want sympathy, because their sympathy (or the need for there to be sympathy) makes it seem like you were pathetic at some point and no one in their right mind really wants to be pathetic. But then again, you were pathetic, that's what makes it a personal tragedy.

The first definition for "pathetic" in the New Oxford Dictionary is: arousing pity, esp. through vulnerability or sadness : she looked so pathetic that I bent down to comfort her."

And then you say things like "Oh no, it's fine, I'm over it." You say that so the tension between you and whoever you're telling is relieved and everyone feels a little better. Because if you're not "over it," then everyone will be awkwardly wondering what's supposed to be said. And I suppose that the sharing generally does feel a little like popping a pimple, a little release of pressure. Of something a little rotten coming out. And the more you do it, the less it hurts. It can be ugly business, this sharing.

Admittedly, it's generally very different for men and women. We come from a culture where sharing between men is faux pas. But even if it's more acceptable for women to share, there's still a sense of weakness that you can't escape. However unreasonable, however much therapy you'd gotten to understand that it was beyond your control, however much your life has gotten past that point, you still feel shitty, man or woman.

It can be a lot to put onto other people.

But I agree with J.. Sometimes you share because you have to; because you hope that one day you can tell the story and it won't bring with it a bunch of contradictory, inappropriate, overly psychoanalyzed, or just plain icky emotions. Or maybe you tell it because it's yours to tell. And sometimes, that feels good too.