It's my M.O. to stay around until things are dead. This is true for parties, jobs, and even boyfriends. I don't like to feel like I've left anyone hanging in the wind, I believe in making things work, in being durable and outlasting whatever troubles come. The problem with this way of living is that sometimes you're the awesome girl who can hang all night but sometimes, you're the awkward one who should've left an hour ago.
I've been finding myself doing the leaving a lot lately. And even though I know it's been the right thing to do, it surprisingly doesn't make it any easier. In fact, it's damn hard. It hurts just the same. You still feel abandoned. You still feel like there's an empty hole inside where once something lived. And I want to just fill it with whatever come my way. I don't think I'm alone.
It happens every day, right? You break up with your boyfriend, you leave your job, whatever. But the thing is, you've grown those things, you've put yourself into them, if you're any kind of decent person, you've invested in these things. And leaving them just feels like you're hanging out in a storm in your underwear. Things are blowing around you and you don't know what to hang onto. It goes against all my instincts to not just grab onto whatever branch comes into my reach. I've been single longer than I have in about a decade. Holy shit.
So what does a girl who loves stable ground do? I like to think that I can just reach my roots really deep and sway with the breeze. I think it's all I can do. Just bend and flex and get tossed around a little bit. It's a lot of work, this staying upright and going with the flow. It feels like you have no control, but I guess in the end, none of us have control over life anyway.
For now, I'm going to work on hanging around when it's right and when the time has come, I'll just make like a tree and...
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